The stories that make or break your life

“As human beings we are nothing but the stories we live and die by – so you’d better be careful what stories you tell yourself.”

• Nic Pizzolatto, Author

Are you aware of the stories you are telling yourself and what part they play in moving you forward towards your dreams or keeping you stuck in a life you don't want?

Almost every great movie has a set of characters that play the Victim, the Villain, the Hero, and the Leader (wise man/woman), and each of these characters have distinct personality traits that come from their values and the stories they tell themselves.

The same is true for each and every one of us.

We play these characters throughout our lives and in different areas of our lives without even realizing that we are doing it.

And I am sorry to have to say this, because it can be painful to admit this about yourself (It’s painful for me to admit about myself too), but you play all the four roles in your life..

Not just some of them – ALL of them.

But the more aware you become about the roles you play and when you play them, the more often you can play the roles that align with who you want to be.

The core stories of each role – Any of these stories sound familiar?

 Each of the four roles you play have a set of core stories that they tell them selves about themselves, the world, or other people.

This is your belief system – What you believe about the world – and it drives your emotions, which drives your behavior, which ultimately drives the outcomes you get in life.

Are you playing the victim?

The Victim's core stories:

• Bad things happen and will continue to happen – The world is working against me.
  
• Circumstances and/or other people are to blame for my results and outcomes.
  
• I won't be able to create change so there is no point in trying. (Feeling Hopeless)
  
• Why do these things keep happening to me?

A lot of uncomfortable emotions are linked to being stuck in these core stories.

Feelings like hopelessness, sadness, anger, anxiousness, worry, frustration, and helplessness are very common because you believe that you have no control over life – life is just happening to you – and that you are powerless to create the change you would like to see.

When you are stuck in these stories and emotions you become a passive spectator of life.

You don’t try to take action to make change (at least not whole-heartedly), and therefore you also tend to find yourself experiencing similar painful situations again and again, because you do not look for what you can do differently so you can avoid it next time.

Are you playing the villain?

The Villain's core stories:

• I am better than other people.
  
• If I don't get to have it, it's not fair if others have it.
  
• I know what's right and wrong. (self-righteous)
  
• I deserve X because.. (Entitlement)

We all want to feel important – like we matter – but we can meet this need for significance in different ways.

The victim often meets this need by having a big problem. If they have a big problem then people want to help them or care about them – and they feel like they matter.

The hero often meets this need by conquering a big challenge they find meaningful.

The leader often meets this need by lifting others up and helping them conquer a big challenge they both find meaningful.

The villain gets his or her significance through thinking they are better than others and often pulling others down or by focusing on the negative qualities of others to enhance one’s own good qualities and show that they are better than others.

The villain will surround themselves with people who are less skilled than the villain in order to keep feeling better than others. And if a villain is challenged by someone who is more skilled in a particular area, the villain will quickly find something negative about this person to focus on or remove themselves from the uncomfortable situation.

This holds the villain back in life, because it’s hard to learn and grown if you continuously believe you are right and that you are better than everyone you surround yourself with.

Because the villain also believe they are better than others they also believe they are entitled to get what they want in life just because they feel they deserve it. This keeps the villain from taking the action needed to actually create what they want, and they end up frustrated and angry at the world.

Are you playing the hero?

The Hero's core stories:

• I can get better at anything through dedication and hard work - intelligence and talent are just a starting point.
  
• Results come when they are created, not when they are deserved - consistency over time.
  
• I am open to learn from anyone who can help me move faster towards my mission.
  
• A clear mission gives meaning to life - a strong WHY.
  
• I am 100% responsible for my stories, my feelings, my behaviors, and my results.

The hero has cultivated what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset which means that the hero takes on an identity as a learner. There is no such thing as failing, there is only doing, learning, adjusting, and doing some more – until the hero accomplishes their goal or overcomes their challenge.

The hero takes extreme ownership of their stories, feelings, behaviors, and results and always looks to find new solutions if the current way isn’t working.

What drives the hero is a clear sense of what is important for them in life. They know what they want, and therefor they can center their energy around making what they want a reality.

Are you playing the leader?

The Leader's core stories:

• I accomplish more by lifting others up and helping them become better than i ever could accomplish on my own. (Co-elevation)
  
• Wisdom comes through being curious enough to ask, brave enough to try, and vulnerable enough to admit mistakes.
  
• Influence is a leader’s greatest tool.
  
• Use "the gap" to respond rather than react.
  
• We all have blind spots, but the more awareness I can create around mind the more freedom I create for myself.
  
• Work with your biology or your biology will work against you.
  
• The species that survives is the one that is able to best adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself.
  
• Different questions provide different answers, which provides different results.

Where the hero thinks in terms of “me” the leader thinks in terms of “us”.

A true leader is a servant leader, always looking for ways to serve the people in their lives and the world with their gifts and finds joy and meaning in life by seeing the mission succeed and contributing to other peoples growth.

The leaders calm mind allows them to respond to life’s challenges in in meaningful ways rather than react to whatever triggers their emotions. Being the one with all the right answers in not important, what is important however is asking the right questions so that the right answers are found.

What are you going to do?

“If you are unaware that you have a choice you have no choice, but once you are aware you have to choose.”

Now that you know the different roles we play in our everyday lives you have a choice.

If you make a change, it’s what you choose to do.

If you don’t make a change, it’s what you choose to do.

Either way you have no choice but to make a choice.

So, what can you do?

It all starts with awareness.

The first step is just to notice your thought patterns (the stories you are telling yourself) when they pop up.

Then give yourself credit when you are able to become aware of them – Celebrate the win.

The next step is to evaluate – is the role you are currently playing..

1. Serving you – as in bringing you closer to the outcome you want?
   
2. In alignment with your values and the person you want to be?
   
3. In alignment with the role model you wish to be fore the people you care about.?

The third step is challenge.

If you answered no to any of the questions above then it’s time to challenge the story you are telling yourself.

A simple way to do this is to ask yourself “Which role would serve me and the outcome I want in this particular situation, and what are the core stories that role would use?”